Keep Smiling!

• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' "
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
 

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.



• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"



• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.



• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.



• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal



• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?  



• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?



• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper